Au Natural

I was told the other day I'm way too negative and family members are worried.  I was actually told some other not-so-nice things, but I won't go into that.  It really hurt to hear, because these are the few people I actually care about, and even days later, it's still weighing heavily on my mind.

I eased off my Cymbalta early this year, which was pulling double duty; keeping my flare ups down and helping with depression.  I got off it under doctor's care because I've been taking them for years and they're very expensive.  I was getting them for free through a church program but once I was back on insurance, I didn't qualify for free pills.  The insurance I had didn't cover them either... I can't pay over $250 a month for meds.  Anyway, I became a zombie on Cymbalta.  I had no emotions, good or bad.  Now that I've been off it for several months, I tend to get more upset, irritated, etc., but I can't help wondering if that's just my nature.  Then I wonder if I should change or if people should just accept me as I am, bitchy and negative at times.  Should I go back on antidepressants or not?  I don't know what to do but I really hate the thought of taking mind-altering meds again.

As far as the negativity, I honestly thought I was doing better.  I was making a point of posting something happy or something that made me feel better online every day.  I was told that I haven't been doing better, so I guess I was just fooling myself.  I keep replaying that whole conversation in my head and it just breaks my heart.  Am I really that bad?  Do I really believe the world revolves around me?  I didn't think so; I try to do what I can to help others all the time, but if someone is telling me these things maybe it's true.  Maybe I do need to get over myself...

It's not you, it's me...

The fatigue is so bad today, I barely have the energy to type.  I forced myself to go hang up clothes on the line outside and I came in feeling like I was going to pass out.  That small activity took all I had and made my arms ache badly.  So much for mowing today, let alone anything else.

Shifting thoughts - 

When I'm flaring up, or just not feeling well, I'm horrible at being sociable.  I was supposed to return a call to a friend last week and never did.  I was supposed to call my Lemongrass Spa upline yesterday and didn't.  People are going to start thinking I don't like them, but that's far from the truth.  I don't like talking on the phone because I never know when my ears are going to start ringing and when they do, I can't hear very well.  And some days, I'm too exhausted to even talk.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but there are times like yesterday and today, I don't even want to speak.  I would much rather email, text, or message on Facebook because then I can take my time thinking and typing.  I can reread what the other person is writing and comprehend better.

As far as just hanging out, I don't get asked to much anymore, not like I used to anyway.  I've turned people down so many times, a lot of them don't bother asking.  I don't blame them though, I would probably do the same thing, unintentionally.  Besides, who wants to spend time with someone who can't stay awake long enough to have a conversation?

My point is, don't take it personally if I don't call back or turn down a lunch date.  I'm doing the best I can, just don't forget about me; I still like the invites.

Just call me Dopey

Yesterday was bad.  I had a 6 hour shift, and stayed a little extra to help out, but I was in horrible pain all day.  I felt like I was going to just pass out on several occasions too.  By the time we finally got home, I was in tears.  I literally had to pick up my legs to get out of the car, it was so bad.  My whole body was locked up and I couldn't move.  I broke down and took a Flexeril (muscle relaxer) but it never seems to help the pain, just allows me to sleep.  The downside - I'm drugged for hours after I finally wake up.  I got up around 0900, which is late for me, and I was back in bed by 1230.  I just feel dopey, drugged, hungover, but still in pain.

Today is my first day off in two weeks and I did not want to spend it laying around incoherent. I'm exhausted and easily confused.  I was trying to talk to a guy about our car loan and deferring payments so the car doesn't get repossessed... that was fun.  I'm sure he was getting sick of me not understanding what he was saying, and I know I wasn't making myself clear either, but it had to be done.  I was on the phone at least 20 minutes, but our car is safe.  We deferred two months and will pay one payment over the course of the next two weeks so our account is caught up.  We have enough to pay rent now, thanks to the small loan we got from family, and now Nathan is on the phone to work out a deal on TV/Internet.

Tomorrow I'll go to the Sheriff's office to see what can be done regarding the judgement papers I got last week.  I needed to go today, but no way was I going in my condition.  They would've locked me up and done drug tests for sure.

Hopefully this post makes sense... I'm having a hard time seeing and typing so keeping it short today.

What doesn't kill me...

I hate asking for help of any kind.  I've always been that way.  Now, I have a GoFundMe page up just to raise money to pay our bills.  I made it two days ago, but just now posted it on Facebook because, honestly, I'm embarrassed.  I hate that I can't physically do as much as I could even just a few months ago.  I hate that I had to step down from a really good paying position and now have to sign up for food stamps and borrow money.
Fibromyalgia has gradually taken my life from me.  It's robbed me of enjoying activities with my daughter because I was too tired or hurting, it's taken friendships away because I have to back out of invites at the last minute, and it's broken me mentally.  The pain, fatigue, and the dozens of other symptoms have changed me and I hate it.
I know I should be more grateful for what I do have, and I am, contrary to popular belief.  I tell myself every day things could always be worse.  But, damn!  When do I get a break?

----------------

Ok, this morning I've been reading posts in a Facebook Fibro group I belong to.  I was reminded how no matter how bad things get, we need to hold on to the positive, happy times no matter how few and far between.  No matter how I feel, I need to find a happy moment each day and focus on that.  Today, it's my dog snuggling with me.  He is definitely mama's boy and though sometimes he drives me insane, I couldn't imagine not having him around.

Focus on the good times and more will follow...

Find A Way, Make A Way

Contrary to popular belief, I don't whine that much.  I also AM grateful for what I have.   However, I would like a break for a change.  I know things could always be worse - but it feels like I'm hitting rock bottom.  If we don't make a car payment soon, it will be repossessed and the rent is due by the 10th.  These are our two biggest expenses every month.  I haven't been able to pay child support in two years but luckily it's only $50 per month.  I'm two months behind on my storage unit but my stuff won't get sold unless I get way behind.  The list goes on...

All my life I've fought for what I've had.  I was abused physically, emotionally, and sexually most of my childhood and teen years by my mom's second husband.  Because of him, we never had extra anything.  One summer when I was 10 or 11 years old, we lived at the lake because our utilities got shut off in our house.  We stayed with random family here and there because we sometimes didn't have a place to live at all.  Sometimes we barely had food.  It was like Christmas when we'd hit the local food pantries, but we could only do that every few weeks.  I started babysitting at age 11 and had my first job as a waitress at 13 just so I had money.  When I was old enough to work, I had to buy my own school supplies, clothes, pay for school trips, cheerleading uniforms, and eventually my own food if I wanted to eat.  If I wanted something, I had to buy it myself.  Ramblings, I know...

I guess my point is, most of my life has been a struggle and I just want to catch a break.  I want to be able to pay my basic bills and not worry.  I want to be able to pay rent AND the car payment, not one or the other.  I want to be able to help others when they need it, too.  I hate asking for help and would always rather help others instead, but I can't even take care of my own family at this point.

I've always been that ¨Find a way, make a way¨ type of girl but I'm pretty well stuck.  What the hell do I do?

And again...

My attitude is carrying over into today...  The pity-party, depression, down-in-the-dumps mentality, whatever you want to call it is still hanging on.  I hurt physically and mentally.  I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone.  I want to be alone, that way I can't hurt anyone.  I feel selfish because of that.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up.  I want my body to be free of the constant pain and horrible fatigue I endure on a daily basis.  I'm tired of fighting to survive, when it feels like there's nothing left to live for.  I am so tired... tired of working my ass off only to still be financially strapped, tired of Fibromyalgia, tired of forcing myself to be strong for everyone else when all I want is someone to take care of me.

This morning I reread some old blog posts from two and three years ago, some from before I was even diagnosed.  One thing I realized, things have not changed for me.  I was working jobs I hated, felt I wasn't good enough for Nathan, living a miserable existence and my daughter was the only thing keeping me alive.  You'd think things would get better...

I will never be good enough.  I will work hard only to submit to bankruptcy and welfare.  I will never be able to handle the Fibro symptoms.  I will never be the supportive person Nathan needs to fight his MS successfully.  I will never win at life.

But then I have the tiniest spark down deep inside telling me I can do this.  It tells me to push on no matter what.

As I typed that last line, a sheriff served me papers.  A collection agency is suing me for $1927 and is threatening to sell off my stuff to pay the bill.  I have nothing, which makes it almost comical.  I'm literally laughing and crying at the same time.

And that spark?  I think it just burned out...

Blog revisited...

I was thinking about blogging today and had completely forgotten I had this started already, just a place to vent about my Fibromyalgia.  I didn't realize it had been just over two years since I was officially diagnosed.  A lot has changed since then; I've changed jobs, we've moved, I'm older.  Then again, some things haven't changed, like the pain and symptoms of this condition.  I tend to go in spurts with blogging, generally preferring to vent on Facebook, but I've lost a few friends over time, and can't help but wonder if it's because I talk about my health and frustrations too much.  Maybe if I kept it here, people wouldn't ditch me.

I'll admit, I'm not doing well.  My body literally does what it wants, from muscle spasms to legs just going out from under me, brain fog and forgetfulness, the never ending fatigue, and the relentless pain.  Oh, the pain...

Other people depend on me to be strong and help them when they need it, but who's here to help me when I need it?  It can get really lonely sometimes.  Because of the dozens of symptoms I experience, I've had to step down from my well paying career in Retail Management to two part time jobs that do not cut it financially.  We're sinking and the stress is causing me to flare up, which in turn causes more shit... It's a vicious cycle and I'm tired of it.  No matter what I do, I can't win.  I can't do things, small things, like I used to.  I can't garden or do yard work and if I do, I'm down for two days after.  Washing dishes takes hours because I have to sit down and rest between sink loads.  Hell, the other night I actually lost all bladder control while sleeping.  Lucky for me, the dog woke me up before I made a mess of the bed, like he knew something was wrong.  I never know what's going to happen.  I don't even make plans with friends anymore because I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and I can't expect others to be at my beck and call.  I try so hard to remain positive; I know others are worse off than I am, but this is my life and it's not working.

I don't have the patience to live like this.

So what do I do?  Believe me, I've weighed all options, including suicide.  Those thoughts don't happen often, but sometimes I just want to be free from this unbearable pain, free from the financial burdens I'll never emerge from, free from being a burden to others.  Then I think of my daughter and I fight...
I've tried medical treatments, vitamins, supplements, diet changes, you name it.  I'd love to be able to exercise but the little energy I have goes to working two jobs and being a half-ass housewife.

Have I mentioned I don't have the patience for this?

Nathan has Multiple Sclerosis.  I have to take care of him.  What the hell do I do when I can't?  Some days I can barely get to the bathroom let alone take care of a whole other person.  My mom lives next door, doesn't drive, and sometimes I have to help her.  I push myself constantly to make other peoples' lives easier but I have a feeling I just make it worse on them.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I'll never get anywhere in life if things stay the way they are.  All I'm doing now is rambling...

I have a habit of living vicariously through others...  my friends do well in their careers, families, own homes, cars, all the fine things in life.  They take trips, go on vacations, actually see their kids on a daily basis.  I'm happy for them; most of them deserve everything they've earned and worked for.  But when do I get my break?  Where's my happiness and financial stability?  Am I selfish for thinking the way I do?

I feel selfish.