My attitude is carrying over into today... The pity-party, depression, down-in-the-dumps mentality, whatever you want to call it is still hanging on. I hurt physically and mentally. I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone. I want to be alone, that way I can't hurt anyone. I feel selfish because of that.
I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I want my body to be free of the constant pain and horrible fatigue I endure on a daily basis. I'm tired of fighting to survive, when it feels like there's nothing left to live for. I am so tired... tired of working my ass off only to still be financially strapped, tired of Fibromyalgia, tired of forcing myself to be strong for everyone else when all I want is someone to take care of me.
This morning I reread some old blog posts from two and three years ago, some from before I was even diagnosed. One thing I realized, things have not changed for me. I was working jobs I hated, felt I wasn't good enough for Nathan, living a miserable existence and my daughter was the only thing keeping me alive. You'd think things would get better...
I will never be good enough. I will work hard only to submit to bankruptcy and welfare. I will never be able to handle the Fibro symptoms. I will never be the supportive person Nathan needs to fight his MS successfully. I will never win at life.
But then I have the tiniest spark down deep inside telling me I can do this. It tells me to push on no matter what.
As I typed that last line, a sheriff served me papers. A collection agency is suing me for $1927 and is threatening to sell off my stuff to pay the bill. I have nothing, which makes it almost comical. I'm literally laughing and crying at the same time.
And that spark? I think it just burned out...
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