And again...

My attitude is carrying over into today...  The pity-party, depression, down-in-the-dumps mentality, whatever you want to call it is still hanging on.  I hurt physically and mentally.  I don't want to be around people or talk to anyone.  I want to be alone, that way I can't hurt anyone.  I feel selfish because of that.

I want to go to sleep and not wake up.  I want my body to be free of the constant pain and horrible fatigue I endure on a daily basis.  I'm tired of fighting to survive, when it feels like there's nothing left to live for.  I am so tired... tired of working my ass off only to still be financially strapped, tired of Fibromyalgia, tired of forcing myself to be strong for everyone else when all I want is someone to take care of me.

This morning I reread some old blog posts from two and three years ago, some from before I was even diagnosed.  One thing I realized, things have not changed for me.  I was working jobs I hated, felt I wasn't good enough for Nathan, living a miserable existence and my daughter was the only thing keeping me alive.  You'd think things would get better...

I will never be good enough.  I will work hard only to submit to bankruptcy and welfare.  I will never be able to handle the Fibro symptoms.  I will never be the supportive person Nathan needs to fight his MS successfully.  I will never win at life.

But then I have the tiniest spark down deep inside telling me I can do this.  It tells me to push on no matter what.

As I typed that last line, a sheriff served me papers.  A collection agency is suing me for $1927 and is threatening to sell off my stuff to pay the bill.  I have nothing, which makes it almost comical.  I'm literally laughing and crying at the same time.

And that spark?  I think it just burned out...

Blog revisited...

I was thinking about blogging today and had completely forgotten I had this started already, just a place to vent about my Fibromyalgia.  I didn't realize it had been just over two years since I was officially diagnosed.  A lot has changed since then; I've changed jobs, we've moved, I'm older.  Then again, some things haven't changed, like the pain and symptoms of this condition.  I tend to go in spurts with blogging, generally preferring to vent on Facebook, but I've lost a few friends over time, and can't help but wonder if it's because I talk about my health and frustrations too much.  Maybe if I kept it here, people wouldn't ditch me.

I'll admit, I'm not doing well.  My body literally does what it wants, from muscle spasms to legs just going out from under me, brain fog and forgetfulness, the never ending fatigue, and the relentless pain.  Oh, the pain...

Other people depend on me to be strong and help them when they need it, but who's here to help me when I need it?  It can get really lonely sometimes.  Because of the dozens of symptoms I experience, I've had to step down from my well paying career in Retail Management to two part time jobs that do not cut it financially.  We're sinking and the stress is causing me to flare up, which in turn causes more shit... It's a vicious cycle and I'm tired of it.  No matter what I do, I can't win.  I can't do things, small things, like I used to.  I can't garden or do yard work and if I do, I'm down for two days after.  Washing dishes takes hours because I have to sit down and rest between sink loads.  Hell, the other night I actually lost all bladder control while sleeping.  Lucky for me, the dog woke me up before I made a mess of the bed, like he knew something was wrong.  I never know what's going to happen.  I don't even make plans with friends anymore because I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and I can't expect others to be at my beck and call.  I try so hard to remain positive; I know others are worse off than I am, but this is my life and it's not working.

I don't have the patience to live like this.

So what do I do?  Believe me, I've weighed all options, including suicide.  Those thoughts don't happen often, but sometimes I just want to be free from this unbearable pain, free from the financial burdens I'll never emerge from, free from being a burden to others.  Then I think of my daughter and I fight...
I've tried medical treatments, vitamins, supplements, diet changes, you name it.  I'd love to be able to exercise but the little energy I have goes to working two jobs and being a half-ass housewife.

Have I mentioned I don't have the patience for this?

Nathan has Multiple Sclerosis.  I have to take care of him.  What the hell do I do when I can't?  Some days I can barely get to the bathroom let alone take care of a whole other person.  My mom lives next door, doesn't drive, and sometimes I have to help her.  I push myself constantly to make other peoples' lives easier but I have a feeling I just make it worse on them.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  I'll never get anywhere in life if things stay the way they are.  All I'm doing now is rambling...

I have a habit of living vicariously through others...  my friends do well in their careers, families, own homes, cars, all the fine things in life.  They take trips, go on vacations, actually see their kids on a daily basis.  I'm happy for them; most of them deserve everything they've earned and worked for.  But when do I get my break?  Where's my happiness and financial stability?  Am I selfish for thinking the way I do?

I feel selfish.